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Sleazin' in the City

Rock N' Roll Dating Tips for the Sick and Wrong
By Eddie McNamara

Threeways the Easy Way

After the elements of magic are long since destroyed in your life by finding out the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus are fakesters, a fella needs to find something else larger than life to hang his hopes on. Enter "every man's fantasy", 2 chicks and one dick. It seems that every Johnny Sixpack in the country fantasizes about two willing women putting on the free lezbo show and confirming his belief in being 'the man' for the ten or so minutes it takes for him to impale them both. There is some kind of fancy French–ified term that describes this business, but being a red blooded American male during wartime I can't bring myself to type it. So we'll just call it a plain old three way. Being the meticulous researcher that I am, I put in the time so I could drop some knowledge on you – my dear reader – and hopefully get you in the sack with a couple of ladies. Enjoy and Godspeed:

Luck can get you far in life but the problem is you can't bottle it and use it when needed. Sometimes you are just minding your own business in a bar when the urge to pee strikes you badly... You notice the men's room is occupied with a guy dropping a steaming deuce, so your only course of action is to boldly burst into the ladies room to relieve yourself and you somehow end up bouncing two broads. It can happen — just like the 2 gnarly Goth heifers asking your opinion of threesomes, and then three hours later when the booze wears off, you're attempting to cleanse yourself of that particular mess. Unfortunately, that kind of stuff probably won't happen to you because you don't roll like me. However, fear not young man... even schmucks like you can pull it off if you follow my plan step by step. Forget about getting lucky and start getting smart.

1 – Find a good partner in slime (henceforth known as P.I.S.) Start making things happen instead of waiting for them to happen to you. Your ideal P.I.S. will obviously be hot, but seeing as most likely that will be impossible for a guy like you, so do the best you can. She should have a cute, but non–threatening face and a good rack; these are things chicks seem to care about in other chicks. She should be smart enough to realize that all women are three drinks away from lesbianism, and be kind enough to work you into that equation. Now stash her away and be thankful for her willingness. Like everything else related to women and sex, you will be doing all the work from here on.

2 – Choose your victim carefully. Women have this funny thing called "standards" when it comes to other girls. Some girl that seems acceptable to you at 3AM just won't do in one of these scenarios. Don't jump the gun and try to pull the first piece of trash that comes your way, or play the convincing game. It's no fun and it never works. Instead, keep an eye out for a unique–looking chicks that can give and take jokes, make a good first impression and introduce the ladies later.

3 –The delicate balance. The margin of attractiveness between both girls can be no greater that plus or minus 1/2 point. If your girl is an 8 for example, only shop in the 7.5 and 8.5 aisles, lest your girl (the sure thing) becomes insecure about the disparity between them. Whichever way a disparity exists it's a bad thing. If she thinks the other chick is significantly hotter, she will assume that you just want to fuck this other girl more than her and are going through all this 007 bullshit as a means to an end. If she feels hotter than the other girl, she may be insulted and look down upon you for your poor taste and question why she is with you. The ideal here is finding 2 girls that sort of look alike, it's money in the bank at that point. The inherent narcissism most women possess will make this work on both sides of the equation.

4 – Matching colors. If your girl is a blonde, don't try to bag a brunette and vice–versa. The name of the game is comfort level amongst the girls or this could lead to a potential shit storm. They will immediately see each other as rivals (because that is the way women are wired) and it could backfire, ending up with lots of time wasted and hard feelings. Sure, we'd all like to be the meat in a blonde and brunette sandwich but sometimes you have to sacrifice for the sake of statistical and psychological advantages. It's kind of like Domino's pizza being better than no pizza at all. Just deal with it.

5 – Friends are good, drunken friends are better. This is a classic no–brainer, but I included it to make sure you wouldn't be against trying to bang her friends while she is involved because you think it's some kind of unwritten rule. Her friends are not just fair game, but actually the likeliest of candidates. You already have an instant rapport between the girls and the fact that you are the boyfriend makes it appear that you have something to offer. In most of these scenarios the girls won't go 'full boat' on each other, but who cares when you got a piece of strange with your GF's full consent?

6A – The male approach. This is best done one–on–one between you and your mark. Your partner should be at the other end of the room or looming somewhere (figurative or literally.) Hit on a girl as if you are a swinging single, and only drop the GF bomb after you have a verbal commitment from her to have sex with you. It may seem kind of shady to do it this way, but it's far more mysterious and intriguing for the girl than the creepy couple tag team. If a girl you barely know is willing to leave with you alone, having a hot chick to sweeten the pot is not much of a stretch towards a logical next step. Case study after case study proves that slutty girls looking for one night stands are the best candidates for some 'sperimenting.

6B – The female approach. If a hot girl is standing alone, it won't be happening for long, so send your P.I.S. over to get the ball rolling. Just like a dude she should walk over with a disarming compliment about something trivial: hair, makeup, clothing, etc, but coming from a girl this will seem more sincere than from your dumb ass. Let them talk; your agent should now be showering her with compliments and winning her over. After a few minutes and a few smiles walk over to the two of them and get introduced as a friend (never a boyfriend) and offer to buy them both a drink. When you have their order take your time and play waiter, let her talk you up to the new girl making sure to emphasize the "with benefits" portion of your friendship. After round 4 your P.I.S. should encourage you to make out with the other girl, round 5 should be served back at your place.

7 – Grab the bullhorn, beret, riding pants, monocle and play Frank Capra. Be the director or facilitator of this noble experiment. Start with kissing, and even when that gets boring keep it up for a little while longer. Not too long, though, because broads can turn a potential good thing into an all night spin–the–bottle session if you don't guide them around the bases.

8 – Stay cool as a cucumber. Never appear eager. Make this all seem so commonplace that no one gets spooked at any point. Try to pay equal attention to both girls to pre–emptively put out any fires of jealousy. Be fully aware that a perceived slight or slip up on your part can ruin this for the future. Be on your best behavior and finish with the home team to foster some additional goodwill.

I'll end my list with a stupid number like 8. That's what all self help gurus/life coaches worth their salt do with their books to ensure a part 2. It's a proven system. Trust the system and reap the rewards.

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Your Boyfriend, My Wingman

Apart from the obvious "do you want to come back to my place?" the best thing a man about town could hear from a woman's lips is "I have a boyfriend." To the untrained, that stay at home boyfriend is an insurmountable cock blocker; to me he's my new best friend and wingman. His Bobby Glass no show act has left the attention window wide open for a sharp fella to slide right in and take his place for the night.

One question determines whether you move forward or move on. It's so simple and always accurate, I stake my entire reputation on this method... "That's great that you have a boyfriend, what's he like?" Her initial reaction tells you everything you need to know. If you hear the word "nice", cha-ching. "Nice" is girl code for simpleton, a guy who is clearly not her intellectual equal, who she has so little respect for him she can't even be imaginative enough to describe him in a dignified manner. "Nice" is how you describe a dog that doesn't bite people. She is practically begging you to say something clever to fill the void and set the cheating justification process in motion.

If you hear the word "sweet", things will be so easy for you its almost unfair. "Sweet" guys chase after girls for years and years; in 10 percent of cases they win the war of attrition and finally get the girl to agree to date them when all of her Plan B's have dried up. She is with him out of sheer desperation and her end of the relationship is devoid of sexual attraction and excitement. When speaking with her suggest something spontaneous. This could possibly be the easiest pickup of your life. She is so bored with her relationship that she will be down for almost anything you suggest: bathrooms, short stay motels, threeways, lines of blow off a hooker's ass... anything.

If the boyfriend isn't there it's 50/50 between virtue and vulgarity, whether you can get his girl or not. Believe it or not there are some loyal, honest and trustworthy women out there and it's heartwarming to see them light up when talking about their partner. When you encounter this girl, move on and be happy for her. Being in love is the greatest thing in the world but when the newness wears off and in a few years she still doesn't have that ring, she becomes a prime candidate. The girl you are seeking out is the "what happens in Vegas..." type, not someone who truly cares for and respects the person she shares her life with. Watch her body language, if her shoulders shrug when talking about her fella move right in, that shrug suggests uncertainty and means that she is making an excuse for her poor choice.

You don't have to travel to some exotic locale and scope out a "girl's-only" trip to be the "vacation boyfriend" anymore; just be a welcome distraction or a vacation from her current albatross and it can work just as easily at your local bar.

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Another predictable Saturday night at home with the cast of SNL and a bag of Doritos? Getting no love from your Nerve.com profile? It's time to step your game up and realize that women aren't a mystery, they're more like a mathematical equation. Through a combination of trial, lots of error, and great genetics, I was able to develop a fool proof system that will enable even the most hopeless man alive to hook up with women who normally wouldn't give him the time of day. There are no sugar-coated romantic notions here, this is pure...

Seduction With A Sledgehammer 101.

Aim at the floor.
Back in Alabamy my grand pappy once told me that when you aim your rifle at a bird in the sky it takes skill to hit it, but when you aim at the floor, you hit it your target every time. The same logic applies to women. So throw all your standards out the window. In any social setting, seek out the worst-looking chick and pounce. This can be tricky, as 70% of nightmares will be receptive to attention they otherwise lack, but 30% of these chicks have such low self-esteem that getting down with them takes too much coddling and effort.

Develop a gimmick.
The mistake most virginal losers make is to try to fit into the mainstream. If you were acceptable in the first place you wouldn't be a loser. Stop shopping at the Gap. Find a subculture, any subculture, and jump into it headfirst. Wear a costume and dress the part. This is an unbelievable icebreaker and creates an instant rapport with alt chicks. From here on, alt chicks will be our target, as the mere fact that they have developed a gimmick suggests they too have self-esteem issues. It is your job to make them feel pretty.

Stick out like a sore thumb.
Now that you have your gimmick and have immersed yourself in a scene, you may find things have gotten only slightly better. You're on the radar of a few women, but scene politics and a rigid pecking order may be preventing progress. Turn the odds in your favor by visiting sports bars and dance clubs wearing your alt costume. The off chance that an alt chick was dragged there by her highlighted friends or coworkers is worth the time and effort. Out of her element, she will feel bored and out of place. This set of circumstances instantly makes you 10X more attractive and interesting than usual.

Move painfully slow.
Be a conversationalist, not a creep. Keep her talking, and make her laugh. Ask for a number, but don't try to seal the deal unless she sends out strong signals. Caveat: Your signal-catching radar is probably out of whack due to inactivity, so play it safe and get a number or an e mail address. Technology-assisted communication can mask your lack of social skills.

Target the ugly friend.
While you are still learning and getting some experience, it is important to avoid rejection initially. While it is something you will eventually have to get used to, it can be a tremendous setback in the early stages. Before approaching a girl, it is crucial that you have 3 quick drinks to loosen your inhibitions. If possible, seek out a homely girl with attractive friends. (For some reason, every group of pretty girls cart around a charity case; you should have no problem finding her.) This has the best chance for success. She is used to seeing her friends get hit on constantly, but even the best wingman will shy away from her. This is also the only time I will advocate buying a girl a drink.

Talk to the ugly one as if she is the only girl in the room - make her feel special. When she introduces you to her hot friends, act disinterested and immediately return your focus to her. This ''queen for a day'' act works wonders. Take her home and give her the best night of her life. Resist all temptation to dump her - you'll need to keep her around long enough to gain entry into her social network. Remember, a few dates with a mess is a small price to pay for entry into a new, higher-status group.

Be a hero.
This is the phase where all of your hard work finally starts to pay off. You are now the guy with the ugly girlfriend that gets to hang out with the cool kids. To the hot friends, you're a mystery. They can't figure out why you are so disinterested in them, but treat their friend with the sub-par looks so well. Be sure to make her feel good about herself at all costs; she will brag and brag about you to her friends. (As a rule, women are rarely happy for each other - use this to your advantage.) Soon enough the attractive ones will flirt with you in a friendly way in order to re-establish the social order by getting you interested.

Feed the flirt.
Your initial reaction to the flirting is key. Never compliment a hot girl outright or do what the 10,000 guys who hit on her before you have done, like buy her a drink or kiss her ass. Do not be Mr. 10,001. Instead, confuse her with the seriously joking/jokingly serious method. Be over-the-top creepy in response to her flirting, so much so that she is unsure if you are serious or not. To both amuse and confuse the woman is the goal. Lay innuendo on strong, be vulgar, when your ''girlfriend's'' back is turned, jokingly suggest something crude. Women love being scandalous, so she will eat it up - but don't play the sucker role or empower her like she is used to.

Trade your Pinto in for a Caddy.
You have now won the flirting game - for the first time in your life, an attractive woman is digging you. She wants you, but can't figure you out. Time to ''confess''. Since you have established interest, it is now safe to tell her what she wants to hear. Depending on the individual, this could be a million different things. This is where picking up chicks becomes more art than science. Something that usually works is confessing to a crush, but ''admitting'' that you thought she was out of your league. This will usually work. She gets her hot chick powers back and you get her - everyone is a winner. Best of all, being linked to a hot chick opens doors for the future with the rest of the hot chicks in your scene. You will never have to aim at the floor, or ride in a Pinto again.

 

 

   

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