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Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe Dispenses Advice

To contact the Mistress for advice, e-mail:

LOL ok I had a question about my sex life i guess...... Me and my husband have been together for 10 years and we need some new positions to spice it up more would u no of any?

Dear LOL ok,

That's a strange name. Is it from this world or a different dimension altogether? As for your question, I would like to first give major props for your milestone; a grand accomplishment, being married for 10 years AND still interested in a spicy sex life with your husband. You have a lot going for you, and I hope he realizes what a fine wife he has. So, positions, positions... well, there are a gazillion out there but it's all about what you find to be exciting. I think role playing is better than coital acrobatics, since often people tend to try to outdo themselves, when the mind is the organ that really needs to be stretched. I suggest reading some erotica together, find out what he's into, tell him what you're into and explore the wonderful world of fantasy play.

If your deepest desires happen to include making like a pretzel and hanging from chandeliers, get yourself a copy of the old-school standby, the Kama Sutra, where you will find the most exotic and enticing (and also bizarre and ridiculous) positions known to modern man/woman. In addition, depending on your strength and endurance, Liberator Shapes are coated foam pillows that are specially shaped to aid in maintaining sexual positions. They're a little cheesy and kinda bulky so if you have little closet space and your parents are known to come over unannounced, they're not a very practical option, but they're out there and I hear that they are a great way to prop yourselves up for a fantastic ride.

Hope that helps - happy fucking!!!
Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe

Dear Mistress of the Universe,

My last girlfriend was psychotic and I'm glad to be out of the relationship. It's been almost three months and I feel that I'm more then ready to get back on the dating horse. However, I have bumped into her recently and decided not to speak to her because I am literally afraid of her and that she might try to cause me physical harm. But post relationship etiquette tells you that if you behave this way, you're a dick. So, am I a dick?

Lost in Translation

Dear LIT,

Oh, the 'psychotic ex-girlfriend'. How sad it is, truly, when relationships sour, when human beings are reduced to labels which strip them of their dignity (what little is there to begin with that is, what with your tiny little minds and those grossly disproportionate bodies you have.) 'Angry guy,' 'the asshole,' and 'gross-burger' are some of my other favorites. Oh, the tangled webs you all w eave...tsk, tsk...Luckily, since I have no soul to speak of, I don't have this pesky little problem. But, I am here to help you, so here I go:

The fact that you are worried about being a dick means that you are probably not being a dick. People who are conscious of their dick-hood, usually have a hard time maintaining dick-dom. And you now know that this person obviously has no interest in your well being, just in intimidating and hurting you back (I assume you broke it off) and you are doing what you know how to show them that their behavior is unacceptable. You did the right thing.

The fact that you are afraid of her physically, well, this indicates to me that she has tried to hurt you in the past, which sadly means that you, at one point, gave her permission to hurt you. While this is no time to beat yourself up about the past, you should recognize that you might have some scars that need healing, and you need to take care of that, if you haven't already done so.

But it is very good that you recognized that this person was bad for you and broke it off when you did. I hope you congratulated yourself, enjoyed a few a champagne cocktails and watched some Lifetime Television. So when you feel really ready, and not just because you're lonely and feeling unloved, but because you feel like you are ready to share yourself again, get back on that dating horse, continue pretending this psycho-ex no longer exists, and make sure it doesn't happen again. In the future, don't ignore those warning signs, darling. It simply won't do any one of us any good.

Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe

Dear Goddess,

I have a great relationship with my boyfriend. The sex is great and we really connect emotionally. We like to experiment and have lots of fun. He now wants me to try sex with two guys at once. He always tells me it would turn him on to see me with another guy, I am just not sure if this will open a whole new aspect of our relationship or ruin what we already have?
What do you think?

Afraid of a sword fight

Bonjour Afraid of a sword fight,

Actually, though flattering in an ethereal kind of way, I am not a Goddess, I am a Mistress. Mistress of the Universe, not Goddess of the Universe. Goddess of the Universe sounds a bit lofty, doncha think? Even I, Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe, the omnipotent, the omniscient, know my limitations. Gala Xandria, Goddess of the Universe is a bit too alliterative anyway. Too many Gs. Guh-g-g-g. Me no likey.

Anyway, back to your question: you don't seem to wanna share yourself in front of your honey. I don't blame you. He sounds like more than enough man for anyone to tell you the truth. Though it is nice that he has an active fantasy life, (it's a pretty common fantasy among men, believe it or not) and I give him props for communicating this to you, and for giving you what you need, but may be guilty of wanting too much of a good thing. Mortals are never seem to be happy with what they have. They already have good candy, but they want more candy, or they want it to be sweeter, or it's too sweet, or it isn't the right consistency- it should be fluffier, softer, harder, colder, warmer, bitch, bitch bitch!!! You're all a bunch of greedy little drones!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAUUGHHHH!!!!!!

(There- I feel better - I just needed to get out a little frustration. I have been having a really rough week- no I don't have my period. I don't get a period. I'm the Mistress of the Universe. But I did just get my Power Bands back from the shop and they aren't jacked up how I wanted them to be, and the missile firing mechanism thingy isn't the right size for my dainty wrists, so naturally, I had go back to the shop to manually execute my mechanic, and he shrieked like a little girl the whole time and I had to keep hitting him and hitting him and hitting him and he just wouldn't stop screaming, and now I have all this human blood all over my cape and my dry cleaner is on vacation, yada, yada, yada. Not your problem. Back to your question. I digress -- beaucoup apologies.)

Anyway, you have to let him know what your boundaries are and although you have such a wonderful connection and making him happy is a big priority for you, you don't think it would be good for your relationship. In situations like this, it is always best to follow your instincts. I know it is always easier said than done, and that saying no often comes with a price, but if he is as enthusiastic about making you happy as you are with him, he will drop the subject and move on to some more (pardon the pun) doable fantasy exploration. If he whines and throws a tantrum, or refuses to do things you want out of spite or to "prove a point", you learned a lot about this guy and about what you don't want. Exit boyfriend.

Hope this helped. And if you know a good special-weapon fixer-person, lemme know, 'cause my guy is no longer, how do you say? "avec nous". (FYI - I have been practicing with my "So You Want To Learn Conversational French in 30 Minutes You Lazy Stupid American" tapes, so at least I have that going for me!)

Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe

Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe, I noticed while reading your sage advice that you employ many food-related metaphors. Can it be that you are as much a gastronomical as an astronomical goddess? Surely then you are the right extraterrestrial being of supreme grace and squeezability to answer my query: what sorts of foods do you recommend for use during intimate playtime? I've already discovered that sticky is much more trouble than it's worth.

Dr. Velocity

Dear Dr. Velocity,

Again with the "goddess" thing. I repeat, and for the last time, I am Gala Xandria, MISTRESS of the Universe. I am not a goddess, but an all-powerful force, indescribable with human words. I am not a goddess or a human or a giraffe or anything else but the ruler of all things evil and bad! Jheeeez people- throw me a freakin' bone here!!!!

Now, your question relates to enticements of the edible variety. You wanna make it tasty but you don't want it to be messy. Unfortunately, putting any type of liquid food product on the skin will create a sticky situation. I have found that the edible oils and creams sold in sex shops all over the globe are artificially sweetened (as to prevent unsavory yeast infections for guys and girls alike- you can pass them back and forth - it isn't pretty) but taste pretty raunchy, and not in a good way. I also find that when you try to bring food into the bedroom, the mood has to be light and you have to have a sense of humor, because, let's face it, she ain't Kim Basinger and you ain't Mickey Rourke. But remember, spontaneity is key.

Most sexual encounters are better left unplanned, so when the mood strikes you over a bowl of cherries or a plate of sliced figs, feed each other- pass the unchewed fruit (or even candy) from mouth to mouth. Also, if you like the cold, ice cubes (small ones) are fun as well, and hey, it's just water so clean up is a cinch.

Keep the electricity buzzing even when you're outside of the bedroom: keep some sexy food on hand at all times, because sexiness is not just something you can put on or take off -- it's a state of mind.

Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe


So, I've been dating this guy for a couple of months, and though we're not exclusive we're basically only sleeping with each other. I don't mind giving oral sex, but for some reason I never receive it. Why is it okay for a guy to expect a girl to go down and not return the favor? What does a girl have to do to get some head??

Anonymous, please.

Dear Anonymous, Please:

Before I address your question I must first get something out of the way. You do not address me, Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe with a casual, "hey". Gala Xandria did not rise to power after battling the forces of good for hundreds of thousands of light years, utilizing the most elite alien fighting force ever to attain complete command of this wonderfully evil little flyspeck in the grand history of eternity called the Milky Way, only to have soft little striplings like yourself breezily throw "hey's" my way. I just wanted to get that out first so I can THINK!!! Now, that's better.

So your man won't give you any candy -- unfortunately, this is not an uncommon problem for women, even in these so-called "enlightened" times. I am a firm believer in communication and if you are comfortable enough to spread 'em for this manchild, you should be ready to open your mouth and tell him how you feel. Find out why he is averse to giving oral sex. And find out why he feels it is acceptable to receive oral sex and not be expected to return the favor. I will also say, I am immediately suspicious of any man who does not derive pleasure from giving pleasure.

I imagine there may be many reasons for his distaste for licking the old quim-aroony:

A. Some men have little voices inside their heads that tell them that you are what you eat -- eating pussy is for pussies. This is a sad consequence of ages of gender socialization, which is still paralyzing our male and female cultures from commingling appropriately. In this case, his mind is obviously in need of re-programming. Unless I have granted you eternal life (I'll have to check my list), you do not have the time or energy to engage yourself in such drudgery. You've only known this clod for a few months and you don't want to invest more time and emotion if you aren't getting the goods. There are plenty of stars in the sky, as they say.

B. He may not like the taste or smell. This is a tough one. As a hetero chick, I wouldn't wanna go there either, which is what makes me so hetero. If I could, I would, but I can't. But giving it to a guy is one of my favorite things, next to conquering small planets for sport and collecting nebuli. Preferences are preferences and you can't make someone like something that they do not. And, trust me, when someone has their face down there and they don't wanna be, you can tell and you won't enjoy it anyway.

So, find out what his beef is and make an assessment based on your needs (or get back to me and we can work through it together). If my Eternal Life roster is correct, and it usually is, life (for mere mortals) is short and if you ain't gettin ' any candy from daddy, go find it somewhere else.

Flagitiously yours,
Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe (and don't forget it!)

Dear Gala Xandria:
I'm relying on your expertise to found out what's the best way to start dating after may years in seclusion. I meant psychological seclusion not physical (jail or mental hospital) but I have been getting laid. I don't know how to approach men anymore, I guess I never knew but on this day and age I have no clue what so ever. Awaiting for your knowledge, your humble admirer.

Pollo Solo

Dear Pollo Sollo,

How wonderful that you are finally ready to come out of "psychological" hiding! Congratulations on taking the plunge. You want to know how to approach men now? How did you approach men before, when you were purely seeking purely physical fulfillment? The men you have been having physical encounters with are also capable of being lured into more meaningful relationships, so long as you are armed with the right attitude and self-knowledge to know why you were in self-administered solitary confinement in the first place. Look at your issues, your vulnerabilities, your fears and their origins. But don't wallow in it once you discover the truth. Get out there and remember, just like you, most men just want a little love and understanding. And finally, for the sake of the success of any romance, remember that nobody is perfect, and that people are not so pretty close up, including yourself, and that a great relationship should be lived, not talked about.

Fornicationally yours,
Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe, so help you God, or whatever.

Dear Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe -- I was wondering if I could get your take on a situation I'm in. I haven't dated in a while (and that's putting it mildly), but recently I had a nice evening with this girl who's best friends with my best friend's wife. There seems to be something there, but I'm stuck wondering if I pursue this, is it wise to, so to say "shit where you eat". Should it not work out it could put a lot of awkwardness and "side taking" into our circle of friends.

Is it worth screwing our friends to screw each other?

Fuck my friends-


First issue: There is a theme here that must be addressed for you, and many other hungry people out there. GET LAID and FAST!!! (I don't mean you should hurry through the operation, but don't waste any more time depriving yourself. Sex is like eating and breathing, so use it before it/they dry/s up and falls off.)

Next issue: shitting where you eat -- that isn't happening here. If you aren't out there meeting unsavory men and women in bars, you gotta meet unsavory men and women through your friends. People meet people through other people all the time, which is a good thing. Shitting where you ate would only happen at a place like work or if you were making it with your botany T.A. in the campus greenhouse during finals in the Spring 1996, for instance. Don't worry about it, get laid and make sure you call her after, even if you aren't interested (don't lie, but be courteous and honest) -- it's extra-important to be respectful when your friends are semi-involved, otherwise it will come back to you and you will never be recommended to any best friends again (see Bridge Burning: Section 112(a)(3) of Universal Dating Code.)

Here, there and everywhere,
Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe (and other short stories?)

Hi there Gala Xandria,

Here is my current situation: My previous lover was absolutely fantastic. Anything went, we experimented all the time, and I was never creeped out by anything he did. He made me feel incredibly sexy, and I was deliriously attracted to him. My current lover, although much better over-all in the relationship way, is unquestionably lousy in bed. I'll give him points for always making sure I get off, which is great, but he's constantly getting us into the same old missionary style in bed and just hammering away, sometimes appearing as though he's by himself... it doesn't seem like much of a "conjugal" experience for me. He also likes to be somewhat domineering in bed (although pointedly not elsewhere), so I'm aware that I'm taking away some of his enjoyment of the process if I suggest other things, which I have tried to do.

Any suggestions?

Out of Ideas

Dear Out of Ideas,

Congratulations on having had a fantastic sex partner. You will always have wonderful memories of colliding with another body with precise and sublime satisfaction. For whatever reason, the relationship ended (perhaps its ultimate doom assisted in the bittersweet wonder that was your sex life together: Not definitely, but possibly?unrequited love is always a fantastic aphrodesiac.)

However, in the N-O -W, your current lover is sweet and nice to you, you both like to play Parcheesi, he's great at tucking you in at night, cares for you when you are sick, makes killer coq au vin, always calls if running late, but he kinda sucks in bed. This is annoying.

He needs to get in touch with his sensual side, apparently. You need to find out what goes through his head that his sex life is so two dimensional. Sex has the potential to be an expression of so many elements of our personalities, whether it is love, power, fear, humor, lust, etc. It is possible that your lover may have issues with intimacy and with self-expression. Every man has a fantasy life. Talk about it. You can help him to gently pry open his mind and find out where his fear of real intimacy comes from, but do so in a non-confrontational way. Tell him how much the relationship means to you and help him understand how important it is for the sexual aspects of your relationship to be as wonderful as the rest. Remind him that you are there to please each other. Show him what you like and ask him to try to do it back. Gently tell him how you feel and what you want. Ask yourself some questions as well: Are you willing to be a bottom if he can be a fabulous top? Are you attracted to your lover or are you better off as friends? Does coq au vin go better with egg noodles or with crusty bread?

If none of the above helps, you may have to decide if you can live without great sex (dumb question) or if you want to see a relationship counselor to try and make it work. I am all about counseling when a relationship has the potential to last and it sounds like you really want it to work. If your lover wants it too, make him put his money where his mouth should be, and seek help for the sake of the grandkids.

Don't cook with any wine you wouldn't drink,
Gala Xandria, Mistress of the Universe




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